Not Dead

In the evening of the first day of the week, the disciples were gathered together with the doors locked because of their fear of the Jews. Then Jesus came, stood among them, and said,  " peace be to you!" John 20:19

On Friday at my cousin's funeral I looked at the coffin and was pondering the woman I knew was in there but did I want to see? No! I reasoned she would not look good. Now imagine if suddenly the lid opened and she sat up! What would be the reaction? Screams! Fear! Intense fear!

Now, imagine what the disciples experienced. For a guy who managed to get to the heart of Jesus and brought out the emotion of the experience of that love he fails me miserable here. His account of Jesus' re-appearance is so factual, it is not true to John. I wonder why?

Jesus had previously appeared to Mary in the garden and to the two disciples on the road to Emmaus. Now He was here!

When someone dies you experience grief and it manifests itself in many ways. I get angry: angry at the person who died, angry at the family and relatives and angry at me. I can't explain why I do this. I know deep down I am sad, so sad and perhaps this is my way of externalising it. My mother is the same. We are able to help each other confront the truth of the matter, rather than agree with each other and make things worse.

So, if I place myself in the room when Jesus arrives through locked doors, I would have been angry. I would have been angry that I did not realise He had been trying to tell me all along that He would rise again. I would be angry that He put me through such torment and I would probably have been angry at the guys for not getting it as well. All unreasonable but all an emotional reaction.

I am grateful that my God accepts me, warts and all. I am grateful that He loves He through the angry to peace. 

I struggle to see things differently, I want to but there is a barrier. Perhaps it is just my human limitations but I so want to understand as He does, because He is at peace and I like peace. I want His wisdom because it is more precious that jewels, there peace dwells. Amen!

It is not enough to go through life and live in limitations of wisdom, understanding, experience, life. I want to grow as a person, I want to become like my God for no other reason than I like what I see, He has mastery over all that comes against Him but more importantly Himself. Amen!